I want to fall in love with you in the country.
Car rides with the windows down, barefooted in the grass during a rainstorm.
I want to pick my fruit from local orchards knowing we will feed each other unselfishly.
I want to hike with you like I haven’t with anyone else.
Big kitchens with space for us to dance while cooking dinner. Hearty meals of pasta, or chili. Fresh veggies from our raised beds.
Holding your hand as we stroll through barns filled with antiques.
Our stories wouldn’t be written in concrete but in moments spent in nature.
Bonfire nights when I would snuggle against you telling you secrets. Not caring about open curtains, waking up to slide into your shirt. Pulling on boots and walking to let the dogs out. Finding you meddling or working or creating.
Nights inviting our city friends to camp in our back yard. Traded stories about love, our love. I want to fall in love with you anywhere, but I can feel the love we would have in the country.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Unexpected and certainly unwonted.
There are only a few things in the world that I am completely unwilling to share with the people closest to me in my life, so you can only imagine how I would feel when I am forced to share without any say on the matter. And let me add that these few things are things that one cannot undo once done. There are no words to make the situation sting less. There are no actions or acts of kindness that will make up for what was done. Excuses are nothing but excuses and they don't justify anything. The only thing there is is the fact that whatever the deed, it was done and it hurt me.
For lack of a better way to phrase this, the people that I have had or am still having sex with are my territory. There is, for every girl at least, the underlying code that close friends just do not sleep with the same people that you have. That's just not something that needs to be shared amongst two close friends. In my mind, it's easily compared to using a tampon and then giving that same one to a friend for their own personal use. It is absolutely disgusting. Makes me sick to my stomach to think about.
I don't care how intoxicated you are (on anything) because there is no excuse for sleeping with someone that I sleep with. Especially not on a night that I was planning on spending with said member of the opposite sex. What's worse is that there was apprehension on her part. She knew that I wouldn't like what was going on, but went ahead and did it anyway. Sure, it's "just sex" but it's "just sex" with someone I was going to have sex with that night, it was "just sex" with someone that I've slept with multiple times before. You just had sex in my territory and with that, you've basically just had sex with me.
Let me backtrack a bit. All three of us were laying together. He was kissing me first and then went to her, which was the point at which I started to get uncomfortable. Keep in mind I didn't even like kissing him with her in the room. I turned away and gave no sign of interest when he started trying to give me attention again, so of course he turned back to her. Listening to them drunkenly swap spit made me extremely sick to my stomach. I had to leave, so I did. I left the house. I went to my car. I didn't know what to do, but I figured because we were such good friends that she, if not he, would come looking for me, that they'd stop what they were doing for two seconds to consider me. They didn't. How silly I was to expect that sort of decency. I ended up being locked out of the house for the night, so my tentative plan to sleep in my car turned out to be my only option. And then of course, they had sex.
At first it was just an assumption that they would, but details after the fact make it all worse. For instance, I didn't think they looked for me and it turns out they actually didn't. She was apprehensive to commit the act, even stood up to leave, but allowed him to talk her into it (i.e., "it's just sex")so somehow that argument made some sort of sense to her, made it O.K. to betray me in that way. Blow. When we chose to talk about the situation, she took the opportunity to only discuss how she wouldn't have had a threesome, but I had to blatantly ask if they had sex. Strike. She hesitated with her answer which is how I knew that they did. She also considered lying to me about it. Another blow.
To top it off, not only is she a close friend of mine, but we are roommates. We have to see each other every day. We were far from home. The car ride made me ill because I kept replaying the night and the next morning in my head. I can barely speak to her, let alone consider forgiving her at this point. I wanted to stop drinking alcohol (not that I drank often in the first place) and this event only solidifies my reasoning for disliking it so much. It will be monumental, the day that I decide to have a drink for fun again. It is unfortunate the little amount that it takes to lose my trust, but she managed. Even after the apology and the spiel about how she'd never purposely do something that would hurt me or that has potential to create a riff in our friendship, I can't trust her any longer. Nothing she can say will make a difference. There are no actions that are wonderful enough to counteract what's been done. I am just thoroughly disgusted and am at a loss with regard to how I want to or should proceed.
I understand that holding anger is never worth the detriments it causes to the body, and so I am slowly releasing my anger. That does not, however, mean that I will be okay with the situation any more next month than I am right at this current moment. I also realize that forgiveness should happen if for no other reason than for yourself. That doesn't convince me. That doesn't make me want to forgive her, so I probably won't. At least not any time soon at all. A line was crossed. I never would have expected HER to cross it. I didn't see it coming at all. That was probably my bad. I've known for a long time that once you get too comfortable you are more likely to take a hard hit.
If it were anyone else, a stranger, even someone I knew but wasn't really friends with or something of the like, I would not have been hurt. I would not have cared. Unfortunately that wasn't the case.
Life is wonderful, and then sometimes not.
For lack of a better way to phrase this, the people that I have had or am still having sex with are my territory. There is, for every girl at least, the underlying code that close friends just do not sleep with the same people that you have. That's just not something that needs to be shared amongst two close friends. In my mind, it's easily compared to using a tampon and then giving that same one to a friend for their own personal use. It is absolutely disgusting. Makes me sick to my stomach to think about.
I don't care how intoxicated you are (on anything) because there is no excuse for sleeping with someone that I sleep with. Especially not on a night that I was planning on spending with said member of the opposite sex. What's worse is that there was apprehension on her part. She knew that I wouldn't like what was going on, but went ahead and did it anyway. Sure, it's "just sex" but it's "just sex" with someone I was going to have sex with that night, it was "just sex" with someone that I've slept with multiple times before. You just had sex in my territory and with that, you've basically just had sex with me.
Let me backtrack a bit. All three of us were laying together. He was kissing me first and then went to her, which was the point at which I started to get uncomfortable. Keep in mind I didn't even like kissing him with her in the room. I turned away and gave no sign of interest when he started trying to give me attention again, so of course he turned back to her. Listening to them drunkenly swap spit made me extremely sick to my stomach. I had to leave, so I did. I left the house. I went to my car. I didn't know what to do, but I figured because we were such good friends that she, if not he, would come looking for me, that they'd stop what they were doing for two seconds to consider me. They didn't. How silly I was to expect that sort of decency. I ended up being locked out of the house for the night, so my tentative plan to sleep in my car turned out to be my only option. And then of course, they had sex.
At first it was just an assumption that they would, but details after the fact make it all worse. For instance, I didn't think they looked for me and it turns out they actually didn't. She was apprehensive to commit the act, even stood up to leave, but allowed him to talk her into it (i.e., "it's just sex")so somehow that argument made some sort of sense to her, made it O.K. to betray me in that way. Blow. When we chose to talk about the situation, she took the opportunity to only discuss how she wouldn't have had a threesome, but I had to blatantly ask if they had sex. Strike. She hesitated with her answer which is how I knew that they did. She also considered lying to me about it. Another blow.
To top it off, not only is she a close friend of mine, but we are roommates. We have to see each other every day. We were far from home. The car ride made me ill because I kept replaying the night and the next morning in my head. I can barely speak to her, let alone consider forgiving her at this point. I wanted to stop drinking alcohol (not that I drank often in the first place) and this event only solidifies my reasoning for disliking it so much. It will be monumental, the day that I decide to have a drink for fun again. It is unfortunate the little amount that it takes to lose my trust, but she managed. Even after the apology and the spiel about how she'd never purposely do something that would hurt me or that has potential to create a riff in our friendship, I can't trust her any longer. Nothing she can say will make a difference. There are no actions that are wonderful enough to counteract what's been done. I am just thoroughly disgusted and am at a loss with regard to how I want to or should proceed.
I understand that holding anger is never worth the detriments it causes to the body, and so I am slowly releasing my anger. That does not, however, mean that I will be okay with the situation any more next month than I am right at this current moment. I also realize that forgiveness should happen if for no other reason than for yourself. That doesn't convince me. That doesn't make me want to forgive her, so I probably won't. At least not any time soon at all. A line was crossed. I never would have expected HER to cross it. I didn't see it coming at all. That was probably my bad. I've known for a long time that once you get too comfortable you are more likely to take a hard hit.
If it were anyone else, a stranger, even someone I knew but wasn't really friends with or something of the like, I would not have been hurt. I would not have cared. Unfortunately that wasn't the case.
Life is wonderful, and then sometimes not.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)