First Photoblog!

My time spent in Hood River, OR. I spent it there with my two roommate, Nicole and Grayson, along with some of my very best and most dearly love friends, Dylan and Liam. Hood River is one of my favorite locations, filled with beautiful scenery, the Columbia River gorge, unique and creative people. Absolutely enjoyed my time there, as I always do.

She loved him. She knew it. What else could it be? It wasn't how she had always thought love was. They didn't see each other often, nor had they been or were they ever together. But she could feel the grip he had around her heart. It is an unyielding pressure, a warmth, an ongoing coax to surrender. She knew that their entire relationship was a little unorthodox, their interactions sparing yet overly comfortable as if no time passes between them, no distance is ever forged. "I love you too." She's told him a time or two that she loved him, but that was the first time he'd ever responded like that. It was written, not said. And maybe it was better that way because the emotion that welled up inside of her after reading those words was far stronger than she would have ever expected it to be. She spent time choking down tears for she's not felt a love that reached down to the core of her being. But this, this is it. Something stops her though. The friendship that she holds with him is intense, likely due to the feelings that extend elsewhere, and it is most dear to her. There are countless nights filled to the brim with dreams of him. They were happy. But sometimes one has to take into consideration that dreams are not always prophetic, that circumstances don't always allow for one to follow through with such dreams.


She knows that if they were to try and be together, that would be it. They would have one chance and that would be all. One chance to be together, to keep their friendship, to remain close at heart and close in mind. It is as if there is too much love, and when something as strong as theirs is shattered it's too difficult to mend. Past lovers can rarely remain friends, and if they do, they are still in love. She knows that they've had their bad times together, and they've both put in the time to fix them. But that won't happen every time. She's worried.


Age, desire and need for exploration, time, location. All things working against what they could be together. She thought about it often. Considered the options, weighed them out. Her conclusion? To remain friends until it is no longer possible to do so, whether or not that means ending up together and staying that way, or ending up together and then moving apart from one another, or just not risking what's already so strong and beloved between them. She needs time though. There are other people she wants to see and experience because they're new and different and there don't seem to be such dire risks to the heart with them. She won't be broken if those relationships end . . . at least not quite as broken. Something stronger could develop with someone else, which is another reason to explore. Sometimes the best things for you, aren't what you need. She thinks she's too young to dedicate herself so entirely to one person like she would if she dove in with him.








She loves him though. Every day.

Flyer for an evening in my life.

OPENING STATEMENT:
The Guest House is in need of a PA to make our concerts louder and our hipsters' hips shaking-er.

BANDS:
Dragon Lee
Camp Wisdom
The Hip Shaking Hipsters
Morning Glory Revival

OTHER IMPORTANT THINGS:
If you can donate a few bucks to the fund at the door, you will receive a complimentary whiskey shot. On us. For your enjoyment. 

CLOSING STATEMENT:
Love,
The Guest House












Need anything more be said? I thoroughly enjoy the kinds of people that I am constantly surrounded by. You can feel the creative energies just radiating off of them. Good vibes.

Emma Watson is far too marvelous.

http://www.vogue.com/magazine/article/emma-watsons-new-day/

I just had the pleasure of reading this article on Emma Watson. I resonate with the simple and eloquent words that she speaks. I have so much appreciation for this stranger for a multitude of reasons. Not only did she play the role of Hermione Granger, a character in a series of books that literally encompasses so much of my childhood, of who I am, but she challenges herself. She has so much drive and passion for so many things. She is an artist. Not to mention the fact that she has manners and is poised and educated. She is lovely and marvelous and I look up to her when I feel like I'm losing my place in the world. Truly inspiring, she is.

This summer I have a few things that I'd really like to do, creatively and for my own personal health and well-being. 


I've noticed something this year either because it has been a new development or I've just been blind to it for a while now. I have had a loss in creativity, no drive to do art outside of the confines of my studio on campus. I'm not sure why that is. I can remember days when all I would do is create! I'd draw, paint, make something out of nothing, photograph. There was never a dull moment because my imagination was constantly running away with me. My heart was in it. My lack of motivation to continue on is starting to take its toll on me. I can hear my creative heart gasping for revival. Certain aspects of my life have fallen flat. I think that I have spent enough time avoiding doing what I really love to do and I am entirely too ready to jump back into it!


This summer I plan to start in easy and I'm confident that I'll fall into a steady flow. There will be some sort of creative release. I'll be free again. I'm so excited! Along with that, I want to fill my body with nutrients, I want to treat myself well. My health, mental and physical, is quite important to me now days. About time? Who knows. I still have a pack of Oreos in my cupboard that are calling my name. Small indulgences. . . they can't hurt.


Goals:

• Take my camera everywhere. I want to build up my portfolio (of sorts) with more images of other people, lomography style stuff with film and disposables, more self-portaits. I just want to get in the habit of documenting. I want to learn to capture all of the right moments, the quirky ones. Along with that I want to better my Photoshop skills and my online publishing.
• Draw every day. I have so many empty sketchbooks that have been collected throughout this past year in hopes that they'd inspire me to start filling them up. I was wrong, but I think that I'm ready now. I want to draw every day until I feel like my days are missing something when I don't do it. Let the creative juices flow!
• I want to, with the images that I take over the course of the summer, write short story tidbits to go with each image. Fictional entries that allow me to whisper sweet nothings to an unknown audience, that allow me to release the little romantic notions that fill my mind and have no where to go. Perhaps by the end of it I'll be able to publish some sort of book.
• I want to turn this into a photo diary type blog every now and then because sometimes my life is better explained through images.

Every day you want to change.

Let's just start off by saying this. I can't stand for things to be the same so I'm always changing something. I'm starting to figure out that in being myself, I am a little bit of everything. 


I have a very dear friend, Tate, who has the light of life within him and it radiates through his pores with such strength and vibrance it's hard not to notice. I've only had three opportunities to spend time with him this year due to the fact that, along with attending schools three hours from each other, we both spend a lot of time doing things that we love to do and often in doing so we have a hard time scheduling times to meet up. Each time he and I have spent time together I have learned to appreciate something new about life, something that I wasn't able to see or understand until Tate brought it to my attention. He really sees things beautifully, and takes time to step back and look at everything he's doing. Anyway, he was here just the other day and it was a blast having him around, as always. I am unsure when he and I will cross paths again, but until that point he's reminded me that we have adventures to embark on! We must mush on with life.


Thanks to Tate I have made a few changes in my life that will forever affect me positively, and hopefully in doing so my changes will have an equally wonderful effect on those I surround myself with and those that I meet in passing. There is nothing more marvelous than being alive and having the most worthwhile existence that you can. Realizing that and then experiencing those changes within yourself, I can say truthfully, is one of the best self-realizations/experiences a person can have. It will be a sea change and I know I'm only just beginning.

I'm too romantic for my own good.

I'll have to explain another time.

"At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be."

I don't have much to say about this quote except for the fact that it goes hand in hand with a situation that I am currently in the middle of in my life. I am at that exact point.

He has pitfalls, a lack of impact. He takes and takes and takes without realizing he's never given anything in return. He's full of excuses about not "being ready" and fighting through a "transition phase," but all it really adds up to is not knowing how to act, not understanding how to interact and communicate, and not being willing to try. He's used my body for six months and refuses to treat me like I'm a friend. He never talks to me when we are supposed to be hanging out together. He just waits for those moments when we're laying beside each other in the bed, drunk or not and unable to sleep. There's no emotion on either end, although there used to be from me until it got to be too much to deal with. The touch he started out with has disappeared--there is no kindness, no affection. 

I'm fine with admitting that I should have listened to my friends when they told me that I was wasting my time, that they don't know why I've stuck around for so long. It's just part of life. I couldn't help what I was feeling, and my actions reflected that helplessness. I was determined to give him time, to be patient. I was determined to get him if I could, and as it is, I can't seem to do that. I will not turn to desperation at this point. So it has taken me six months to see my own follies, but I see them now and that's what's important. I have three to four weeks left here before I have to leave for the summer. I plan to make the most of it while I have the time to do so. I don't know if I'll see him again before I depart, but I know that I will see him again once I return. And maybe after two months apart (regardless of whether or not we converse much over the summer) we will be able to start again in a normal manner--we can start as friends. Maybe we'll be able to build something worth while, something that won't eat at me and won't annoy him. All I really wanted was his friendship, though that seems like it was too much to ask for. We didn't go about anything in the right way and that's okay because I learned something. Hopefully he has learned something too, or maybe it'll hit him while I'm away. I just hope he sees his mistakes someday.

Taci, taci, piccolo cuore. E troppo presto per dirlo.

Hush, hush, little heart. It's too soon to tell.




What is it about me and my willful disregard to advice that will keep my heart from breaking? Have I really been putting myself in a situation that will break my heart? Maybe that is the better question.


I feel like I'm a good judge of character, like I can read people fairly accurately without too much trouble.


He's such a well-mannered, charming boy. He's respectful and kind, and he has life within him...but I sense fear. There is just something about him that's scared. Why? Scared to get hurt, to commit? Scared to be tender and to give in to a softer self? Perhaps the transition from being a kid to an adult is really what's confusing him and I can understand that, to an extent. But maybe it's time to be brave, maybe it's time to take a step forward because that is the only direction any one of us should be headed.


I keep getting told that I'm wasting my time, that it isn't worth it...but what if it is? What if all he really needs is a little time, and some pushing? Well, you see, I'm giving him that. I'm being patient, I'm being kind. I care for him and I make it clear. I know he cares and I know that there's an interest, but he's scared--not ready.


Tell me, why is it bad that I put so much into him if it makes me happy to do so? I don't feel like I'm wasting my time nor do I feel like I'm putting effort into a lost cause. "You're going to get your heart broken, Annie." I disagree. My heart is still in my possession, so how can anyone but me break it? I want who I want. I don't see other people the way I see him. He's still mysterious to me though, and mystery causes curiosity, and that will keep me interested. For a time, anyway.

What the fuck is going on in my head? Is my heart caving in?

You know that feeling...

The one where your eyes are heavy and your mind is so distant, so far gone that you fall into this comfortable kind of stare at nothing in particular. Your eyes are out of focus and in those few moments there are so many thoughts pulsing through the tangles in your mind that it feels as though you’ve gone completely blank. Not one thought. Slowly, becoming aware that you went away for a while, your eyes come back into focus with the real world.

You start to wonder what your mind was searching for, was it found? You ask yourself to remember exactly how you felt. There was nothing, no tension, no discomforts. Numb and relaxed, your limbs were loose and your breathing calm. It’s almost like you prefer being in that state because you are so far away, things are no longer relevant. Contentment. You could stay that way forever.

Well that’s what happens to me when I think of you or see you, when I’m wrapped up in your arms. I could just melt into you like a second skin, and live inside of your delicate bones. 

Heartbreak?

It's a sad realization when your best friend (and I mean we were absolutely inseparably best friends) of eleven years is… no longer your best friend. I guess I don’t really understand why this is happening. I mean, yes, I can see how things are turning out this way.

I moved away half way through our senior year of high school, voluntarily. I graduated early and got out. I started my adventure early, on the other side of the country. We were definitely a team. I was the leader and she followed me. All of the friends that I made were her friends only through me. She traveled with me during the summer time, so many of her experiences were, again, through me. We called each other out on our shit and drew lines where necessary. I was the extrovert, she the introvert. Soul mates doesn’t even come close to the bond that we had built..or so I thought we had built. I noticed change in the both of us after moving away, but the change in me and the change in her were completely unrelated, though similar in many ways. We both had to learn to fend for ourselves, to make new friends, and roll with the punches as they came. I feel like I grew, expanded, while she downgraded. She became friends with kids far younger than she, and lost a lot of the maturity that I knew she used to have. She became a child again, but not in the greatest sense. 

I moved back to Nebraska and we re-bonded after knowingly growing apart and life was good. I suppose it’s true that all good things come to an end, because as summer time came to a close, my time in Nebraska did as well. College was beginning for the both of us (mine a little later), but I moved away again and she moved too. I found a family out here and she seemed to flounder, finding temporary niches, but never really being happy with where she was fitting in. We tried keeping in touch as best we could, and managed fairly well. Before we knew it, it was Christmas time and I was back in Nebraska once again. For a short visit only. She was leaving to California only days after I had returned, so it seemed fitting that I would spend most of my time with her. That’s really all I wanted to do, you know? Just laze around with my best friend and be happy. Go through the usual routines and feel as though nothing has changed.

Turns out that while you grow up, things like that don’t come as easily as they used to. She opted out of spending quite a bit of time with me to be with people that she could see at any other point in the year. People that live very close to her. Why??

I spent my time with my other very close friend and that’s when it hit us both. She’s changing…breaking herself apart from me and from us. Unsure of the influences causing her departure, we hypothesized but came to few reasonable conclusions. And now here I am, back in Washington having not spoken to her in almost three weeks.

I don’t know how to deal with this, exactly. Do I try and talk to her about the situation at hand? Do I try and talk to her like normal? Do I just not try because she’s made no effort to get in touch? Am I supposed to walk away from the person closest to my heart after 11 years of everything you could imagine two people going through together?

Real heartbreak happens like this. Tragedy at its finest.