End of an era

Hello my friends!

I am back (hopefully more regularly than not) and have so much to share. 2011 has definitely not been my year. It's been full of false friends, pointless sexual encounters, hospital runs, and a serious loss of imagination and creativity along with losing my sense of self.

Without going into a long-winded, very detailed version of everything that has happened, I'll just give you a brief rundown.

I lived with a girl named Nicole. She and I became best friends within a month of knowing each other. We didn't know it at the time, but we were only friends because we hadn't found anyone else who had the same bad qualities that we each had. That was pretty much all--we just had our worst qualities in common and that was seductive enough for us to ignore all warning signs. We both gravitate more toward the idea that the universe dictates what happens in our lives, or at least that it'll kick our asses when we need to fix something up or turn something around; change. We both stole often, it was one of our nasty habits. We became lazy together. I lost my creativity and spunk. I'm not sure what she lost, but I know she suffered losses in personality traits just the same. The universe was trying to tell us something, but it told us in entirely different ways because we each needed to change differently. From what I learned, I needed to open up more. I needed to stop pretending that I was the person that I seemed to be around Nicole. I needed to get my creative juices going and I needed to get rid of Nicole. Random surges of anger surfaced as my first big sign after continual annoyances. The second was that she slept with someone I was "seeing," for lack of a better term. Her change was different. She needed to change who she was as an entire person from what I could tell. She got caught stealing and was fined money. I walked away. She broke her wrist in one of the worst ways possible and will suffer from arthritis by the time she is 30, if not sooner. I took her to the E.R. She got hit by a car that I could have just as easily gotten hit by. I made the 911 call. I think the universe was trying to tell her she needed to be a better person. She thinks the universe was telling her not to be my friend. I don't see the connection.

After a misconstrued argument, I made the decision to move out. Not without difficulty, of course because Nicole and our other roommate were spiteful for who knows what reasons. (Maybe because I took the only sofa from the apartment while they were at school.) But I'm in a new and very comfortable home now and couldn't be happier with my change.

I'm making new and better friends. I'd like to make a note of one in particular. Her name is Sierra and we take French class together. I think she's just brilliant and so fun. I'm strengthening bonds with people I already care deeply for. I'm not sleeping with people who are just blatantly using me anymore. I'm trying to be healthier, as in I don't get mega drunk as often as I did last year (thanks Nicole.) I'm figuring out what works best for me and I'm working it into my life as best I can. I'm doing more art all of the time. I successfully signed up for a new art program for Winter quarter because my last program was sucking the life out of me, it was so chaotic and lame.

I could go on and on, but the point is that I'm doing well and I hope to continue on this path, or take turns accordingly! I'm back in Nebraska for the holiday. I'll have been here for two weeks by the time I leave. I can't express how nice it is being home with people that I just love so much. I don't have to worry about a thing here.

I'm counting down the days until 2012 rolls in. It's the end of a weird era in my life, and I am so anxious to move on properly and what better way than with a brand new year?! 

Cheers,

A

Recently I did a very small photo project on the idea of being haunted. My friend Hanna helped pose in some of the photos and I posed for some as well. I haven't been the best about updating this blog with photos, or text for that matter, but I hope to be better at updating in 2012! So much as happened during this latter half of 2011. I'll have to post specifically regarding updates. Hope everyone has had a happy Christmas holiday!

This adds to the post directly below.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life…"

—	Elizabeth Gilbert This is exactly it. The words with which I never would have been able to describe better,  the past year of my life with someone whom I used to call my best friend. We were soul mates. We did this for each other. Life presses on.

"You" is me . . . this just in.

I just had an experience similar to the effect of some sort of civil break-up.

There’s this saying that everything in life happens for a reason. The universe acts in weird ways to show/tell us something we need to know. I believe that. I feel like I live it more obviously every time I learn something new.

It’s a curious thing when you connect so instantly with someone so strange to you. Even weirder when you find things out about them that you never thought you’d hear from another human being; your most secret qualities. The only thing that seemed right in those moments was to connect to and with them. You had to be friends and it was a mutual feeling on both your parts. You had a tremendous year with this person. There was a huge commitment to spending nearly every hour with each other, aside sleep and school time. Many, many laughs and good times. However, despite those good times the past year had been full of oddly awful events, surprising actions that led to unexpected falling outs, personality changes, bad habits forming, etc. It wasn’t until just recently that the possibility of a connection between those events and your friendship surfaced.

Prior to meeting this person your life had been in an incredibly good place. You just had the most amazing summer of your life with some of the best people you’ve ever met, your family was fully supportive and loving, and life was just good. Simple as that. Nearly immediately after bonding things started to change. The atmosphere in the home you shared changed (I forgot to mention you were roommates too.) You came in between her and her best friend of the time, subtly but you did. Explosion there. You came in between her and her boy-toy of the time, only that was for her own benefit. Both of you became exclusive to each other. You had a small circle of friends, and they all happened to be your roommates. 

It all seemed like it was okay though, you just bit your tongues when you were bothered. You bit your tongue for a year. But the bad events kept happening. You both had developed a stupid stealing habit over the course of the year. She got caught. She moved back home with you for the summer. She got hit by a car. You had the most ridiculous mood curves, like something you’ve never experienced before. Everyone was a little shocked, yourself included. You saw each other differently, but put on a front and acted the same.

Your potential roommate dips out on you temporarily. That was the universe giving you the golden opportunity to split up before things got to a breaking point. Of course, you didn’t take it.

All three of you ended up moving in together when it was all said and done. It was totally cool. Things were good. Kind of. And then she slept with someone you were … seeing, for lack of a better term. That was a turning point for you. You knew from that point on that there wasn’t a friendship present anymore. But both of you tried to make it work.

It’s unfortunate that you’re always so quick to anger, but in a way it’s good because you usually get out of the situations that make you angry and it’s healthy.

A rent issue came up and turned into a segue for all of your unspoken issues to surface. A negative catharsis with hopes of a positive outcome. It was not about the rent. You all acted stupid. And now you’ve broken up. You can’t live together, nor can you be friends. Not right now and not for a while, at least. 

It’s a curious thing when you and someone else share common ground with your worst qualities. When those in each of you, separate from each other, are only shadows…but together create something very dark. When that collective dark quality is so seductive that you ignore very blatant signals from the universe and then you get hit hard, you get forced out of it. 

You were very different, but too similar in the worst ways. Friendships like that cannot last. They only serve one purpose and that is to show us something we’ve not noticed or known and then leave. We learn a lesson and then we live better.

It’s been talked about now, all is out on the table. You are free. You can breathe. Parts of your personality that have been suppressed over the last year are coming back to life. You are becoming whole again, and though finishing out this process will be a hassle, and it’ll be inconvenient, and maybe hard, it’s supposed to happen. You’re going to be better off. Life will again be good.

And to add to that positive turn, you did manage to make really wonderful friends that you are going to keep. You have found another path that isn’t the one for you and have a more clear idea about which ones are for you. You’ve learned powerful lessons and you’re now growing as a person.

Isn’t life sweet?

I want to fall in love with you in the country.
Car rides with the windows down, barefooted in the grass during a rainstorm.
I want to pick my fruit from local orchards knowing we will feed each other unselfishly.
I want to hike with you like I haven’t with anyone else.
Big kitchens with space for us to dance while cooking dinner. Hearty meals of pasta, or chili. Fresh veggies from our raised beds.
Holding your hand as we stroll through barns filled with antiques.
Our stories wouldn’t be written in concrete but in moments spent in nature.
Bonfire nights when I would snuggle against you telling you secrets. Not caring about open curtains, waking up to slide into your shirt. Pulling on boots and walking to let the dogs out. Finding you meddling or working or creating.
Nights inviting our city friends to camp in our back yard. Traded stories about love, our love. I want to fall in love with you anywhere, but I can feel the love we would have in the country.  

Unexpected and certainly unwonted.

There are only a few things in the world that I am completely unwilling to share with the people closest to me in my life, so you can only imagine how I would feel when I am forced to share without any say on the matter. And let me add that these few things are things that one cannot undo once done. There are no words to make the situation sting less. There are no actions or acts of kindness that will make up for what was done. Excuses are nothing but excuses and they don't justify anything. The only thing there is is the fact that whatever the deed, it was done and it hurt me.


For lack of a better way to phrase this, the people that I have had or am still having sex with are my territory. There is, for every girl at least, the underlying code that close friends just do not sleep with the same people that you have. That's just not something that needs to be shared amongst two close friends. In my mind, it's easily compared to using a tampon and then giving that same one to a friend for their own personal use. It is absolutely disgusting. Makes me sick to my stomach to think about.


I don't care how intoxicated you are (on anything) because there is no excuse for sleeping with someone that I sleep with. Especially not on a night that I was planning on spending with said member of the opposite sex. What's worse is that there was apprehension on her part. She knew that I wouldn't like what was going on, but went ahead and did it anyway. Sure, it's "just sex" but it's "just sex" with someone I was going to have sex with that night, it was "just sex" with someone that I've slept with multiple times before. You just had sex in my territory and with that, you've basically just had sex with me. 


Let me backtrack a bit. All three of us were laying together. He was kissing me first and then went to her, which was the point at which I started to get uncomfortable. Keep in mind I didn't even like kissing him with her in the room. I turned away and gave no sign of interest when he started trying to give me attention again, so of course he turned back to her. Listening to them drunkenly swap spit made me extremely sick to my stomach. I had to leave, so I did. I left the house. I went to my car. I didn't know what to do, but I figured because we were such good friends that she, if not he, would come looking for me, that they'd stop what they were doing for two seconds to consider me. They didn't. How silly I was to expect that sort of decency. I ended up being locked out of the house for the night, so my tentative plan to sleep in my car turned out to be my only option. And then of course, they had sex. 


At first it was just an assumption that they would, but details after the fact make it all worse. For instance, I didn't think they looked for me and it turns out they actually didn't. She was apprehensive to commit the act, even stood up to leave, but allowed him to talk her into it (i.e., "it's just sex")so somehow that argument made some sort of sense to her, made it O.K. to betray me in that way. Blow. When we chose to talk about the situation, she took the opportunity to only discuss how she wouldn't have had a threesome, but I had to blatantly ask if they had sex. Strike. She hesitated with her answer which is how I knew that they did. She also considered lying to me about it. Another blow.


To top it off, not only is she a close friend of mine, but we are roommates. We have to see each other every day. We were far from home. The car ride made me ill because I kept replaying the night and the next morning in my head. I can barely speak to her, let alone consider forgiving her at this point. I wanted to stop drinking alcohol (not that I drank often in the first place) and this event only solidifies my reasoning for disliking it so much. It will be monumental, the day that I decide to have a drink for fun again. It is unfortunate the little amount that it takes to lose my trust, but she managed. Even after the apology and the spiel about how she'd never purposely do something that would hurt me or that has potential to create a riff in our friendship, I can't trust her any longer. Nothing she can say will make a difference. There are no actions that are wonderful enough to counteract what's been done. I am just thoroughly disgusted and am at a loss with regard to how I want to or should proceed.


I understand that holding anger is never worth the detriments it causes to the body, and so I am slowly releasing my anger. That does not, however, mean that I will be okay with the situation any more next month than I am right at this current moment. I also realize that forgiveness should happen if for no other reason than for yourself. That doesn't convince me. That doesn't make me want to forgive her, so I probably won't. At least not any time soon at all. A line was crossed. I never would have expected HER to cross it. I didn't see it coming at all. That was probably my bad. I've known for a long time that once you get too comfortable you are more likely to take a hard hit.




If it were anyone else, a stranger, even someone I knew but wasn't really friends with or something of the like, I would not have been hurt. I would not have cared. Unfortunately that wasn't the case.




Life is wonderful, and then sometimes not.

Unmanageable anger?

I learn new things about myself every day, but I always knew this about myself. I am a happy person but I have a dark side (as most do, I'd say.)It's difficult for me to verbalize what actually goes on in my mind. I have a very short fuze but it takes quite a lot to light it. I don't stress the big things in life, it's a collection of little things, a build up of non-important nothings that tend to set me off. I so wish they wouldn't because being angry exhausts me and once I'm angry I can't control myself. I can't shut it off until I either physically get it out of my system or the thing causing my anger gets out of my area.

Yesterday was one of those days, granted we're all allowed to have an off day. I was at work though, and I was rude to a coworker that I absolutely adore. I apologized after a while and apologized again later in the night but it still bugs me that I couldn't for one minute set aside my issues to be kind to him as I generally always am. I become fearful that I can ruin a whole impression of myself for others if I'm off my beat even for a little while. I'm hoping and hoping hard that nothing has been affected in a negative light.

Why can't I decipher my own feelings inside. Why can't I rationalize my actions in my head before displaying for all to see.

First Photoblog!

My time spent in Hood River, OR. I spent it there with my two roommate, Nicole and Grayson, along with some of my very best and most dearly love friends, Dylan and Liam. Hood River is one of my favorite locations, filled with beautiful scenery, the Columbia River gorge, unique and creative people. Absolutely enjoyed my time there, as I always do.

She loved him. She knew it. What else could it be? It wasn't how she had always thought love was. They didn't see each other often, nor had they been or were they ever together. But she could feel the grip he had around her heart. It is an unyielding pressure, a warmth, an ongoing coax to surrender. She knew that their entire relationship was a little unorthodox, their interactions sparing yet overly comfortable as if no time passes between them, no distance is ever forged. "I love you too." She's told him a time or two that she loved him, but that was the first time he'd ever responded like that. It was written, not said. And maybe it was better that way because the emotion that welled up inside of her after reading those words was far stronger than she would have ever expected it to be. She spent time choking down tears for she's not felt a love that reached down to the core of her being. But this, this is it. Something stops her though. The friendship that she holds with him is intense, likely due to the feelings that extend elsewhere, and it is most dear to her. There are countless nights filled to the brim with dreams of him. They were happy. But sometimes one has to take into consideration that dreams are not always prophetic, that circumstances don't always allow for one to follow through with such dreams.


She knows that if they were to try and be together, that would be it. They would have one chance and that would be all. One chance to be together, to keep their friendship, to remain close at heart and close in mind. It is as if there is too much love, and when something as strong as theirs is shattered it's too difficult to mend. Past lovers can rarely remain friends, and if they do, they are still in love. She knows that they've had their bad times together, and they've both put in the time to fix them. But that won't happen every time. She's worried.


Age, desire and need for exploration, time, location. All things working against what they could be together. She thought about it often. Considered the options, weighed them out. Her conclusion? To remain friends until it is no longer possible to do so, whether or not that means ending up together and staying that way, or ending up together and then moving apart from one another, or just not risking what's already so strong and beloved between them. She needs time though. There are other people she wants to see and experience because they're new and different and there don't seem to be such dire risks to the heart with them. She won't be broken if those relationships end . . . at least not quite as broken. Something stronger could develop with someone else, which is another reason to explore. Sometimes the best things for you, aren't what you need. She thinks she's too young to dedicate herself so entirely to one person like she would if she dove in with him.








She loves him though. Every day.

Flyer for an evening in my life.

OPENING STATEMENT:
The Guest House is in need of a PA to make our concerts louder and our hipsters' hips shaking-er.

BANDS:
Dragon Lee
Camp Wisdom
The Hip Shaking Hipsters
Morning Glory Revival

OTHER IMPORTANT THINGS:
If you can donate a few bucks to the fund at the door, you will receive a complimentary whiskey shot. On us. For your enjoyment. 

CLOSING STATEMENT:
Love,
The Guest House












Need anything more be said? I thoroughly enjoy the kinds of people that I am constantly surrounded by. You can feel the creative energies just radiating off of them. Good vibes.

Emma Watson is far too marvelous.

http://www.vogue.com/magazine/article/emma-watsons-new-day/

I just had the pleasure of reading this article on Emma Watson. I resonate with the simple and eloquent words that she speaks. I have so much appreciation for this stranger for a multitude of reasons. Not only did she play the role of Hermione Granger, a character in a series of books that literally encompasses so much of my childhood, of who I am, but she challenges herself. She has so much drive and passion for so many things. She is an artist. Not to mention the fact that she has manners and is poised and educated. She is lovely and marvelous and I look up to her when I feel like I'm losing my place in the world. Truly inspiring, she is.

This summer I have a few things that I'd really like to do, creatively and for my own personal health and well-being. 


I've noticed something this year either because it has been a new development or I've just been blind to it for a while now. I have had a loss in creativity, no drive to do art outside of the confines of my studio on campus. I'm not sure why that is. I can remember days when all I would do is create! I'd draw, paint, make something out of nothing, photograph. There was never a dull moment because my imagination was constantly running away with me. My heart was in it. My lack of motivation to continue on is starting to take its toll on me. I can hear my creative heart gasping for revival. Certain aspects of my life have fallen flat. I think that I have spent enough time avoiding doing what I really love to do and I am entirely too ready to jump back into it!


This summer I plan to start in easy and I'm confident that I'll fall into a steady flow. There will be some sort of creative release. I'll be free again. I'm so excited! Along with that, I want to fill my body with nutrients, I want to treat myself well. My health, mental and physical, is quite important to me now days. About time? Who knows. I still have a pack of Oreos in my cupboard that are calling my name. Small indulgences. . . they can't hurt.


Goals:

• Take my camera everywhere. I want to build up my portfolio (of sorts) with more images of other people, lomography style stuff with film and disposables, more self-portaits. I just want to get in the habit of documenting. I want to learn to capture all of the right moments, the quirky ones. Along with that I want to better my Photoshop skills and my online publishing.
• Draw every day. I have so many empty sketchbooks that have been collected throughout this past year in hopes that they'd inspire me to start filling them up. I was wrong, but I think that I'm ready now. I want to draw every day until I feel like my days are missing something when I don't do it. Let the creative juices flow!
• I want to, with the images that I take over the course of the summer, write short story tidbits to go with each image. Fictional entries that allow me to whisper sweet nothings to an unknown audience, that allow me to release the little romantic notions that fill my mind and have no where to go. Perhaps by the end of it I'll be able to publish some sort of book.
• I want to turn this into a photo diary type blog every now and then because sometimes my life is better explained through images.

Every day you want to change.

Let's just start off by saying this. I can't stand for things to be the same so I'm always changing something. I'm starting to figure out that in being myself, I am a little bit of everything. 


I have a very dear friend, Tate, who has the light of life within him and it radiates through his pores with such strength and vibrance it's hard not to notice. I've only had three opportunities to spend time with him this year due to the fact that, along with attending schools three hours from each other, we both spend a lot of time doing things that we love to do and often in doing so we have a hard time scheduling times to meet up. Each time he and I have spent time together I have learned to appreciate something new about life, something that I wasn't able to see or understand until Tate brought it to my attention. He really sees things beautifully, and takes time to step back and look at everything he's doing. Anyway, he was here just the other day and it was a blast having him around, as always. I am unsure when he and I will cross paths again, but until that point he's reminded me that we have adventures to embark on! We must mush on with life.


Thanks to Tate I have made a few changes in my life that will forever affect me positively, and hopefully in doing so my changes will have an equally wonderful effect on those I surround myself with and those that I meet in passing. There is nothing more marvelous than being alive and having the most worthwhile existence that you can. Realizing that and then experiencing those changes within yourself, I can say truthfully, is one of the best self-realizations/experiences a person can have. It will be a sea change and I know I'm only just beginning.

I'm too romantic for my own good.

I'll have to explain another time.

"At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be."

I don't have much to say about this quote except for the fact that it goes hand in hand with a situation that I am currently in the middle of in my life. I am at that exact point.

He has pitfalls, a lack of impact. He takes and takes and takes without realizing he's never given anything in return. He's full of excuses about not "being ready" and fighting through a "transition phase," but all it really adds up to is not knowing how to act, not understanding how to interact and communicate, and not being willing to try. He's used my body for six months and refuses to treat me like I'm a friend. He never talks to me when we are supposed to be hanging out together. He just waits for those moments when we're laying beside each other in the bed, drunk or not and unable to sleep. There's no emotion on either end, although there used to be from me until it got to be too much to deal with. The touch he started out with has disappeared--there is no kindness, no affection. 

I'm fine with admitting that I should have listened to my friends when they told me that I was wasting my time, that they don't know why I've stuck around for so long. It's just part of life. I couldn't help what I was feeling, and my actions reflected that helplessness. I was determined to give him time, to be patient. I was determined to get him if I could, and as it is, I can't seem to do that. I will not turn to desperation at this point. So it has taken me six months to see my own follies, but I see them now and that's what's important. I have three to four weeks left here before I have to leave for the summer. I plan to make the most of it while I have the time to do so. I don't know if I'll see him again before I depart, but I know that I will see him again once I return. And maybe after two months apart (regardless of whether or not we converse much over the summer) we will be able to start again in a normal manner--we can start as friends. Maybe we'll be able to build something worth while, something that won't eat at me and won't annoy him. All I really wanted was his friendship, though that seems like it was too much to ask for. We didn't go about anything in the right way and that's okay because I learned something. Hopefully he has learned something too, or maybe it'll hit him while I'm away. I just hope he sees his mistakes someday.

Taci, taci, piccolo cuore. E troppo presto per dirlo.

Hush, hush, little heart. It's too soon to tell.




What is it about me and my willful disregard to advice that will keep my heart from breaking? Have I really been putting myself in a situation that will break my heart? Maybe that is the better question.


I feel like I'm a good judge of character, like I can read people fairly accurately without too much trouble.


He's such a well-mannered, charming boy. He's respectful and kind, and he has life within him...but I sense fear. There is just something about him that's scared. Why? Scared to get hurt, to commit? Scared to be tender and to give in to a softer self? Perhaps the transition from being a kid to an adult is really what's confusing him and I can understand that, to an extent. But maybe it's time to be brave, maybe it's time to take a step forward because that is the only direction any one of us should be headed.


I keep getting told that I'm wasting my time, that it isn't worth it...but what if it is? What if all he really needs is a little time, and some pushing? Well, you see, I'm giving him that. I'm being patient, I'm being kind. I care for him and I make it clear. I know he cares and I know that there's an interest, but he's scared--not ready.


Tell me, why is it bad that I put so much into him if it makes me happy to do so? I don't feel like I'm wasting my time nor do I feel like I'm putting effort into a lost cause. "You're going to get your heart broken, Annie." I disagree. My heart is still in my possession, so how can anyone but me break it? I want who I want. I don't see other people the way I see him. He's still mysterious to me though, and mystery causes curiosity, and that will keep me interested. For a time, anyway.

What the fuck is going on in my head? Is my heart caving in?

You know that feeling...

The one where your eyes are heavy and your mind is so distant, so far gone that you fall into this comfortable kind of stare at nothing in particular. Your eyes are out of focus and in those few moments there are so many thoughts pulsing through the tangles in your mind that it feels as though you’ve gone completely blank. Not one thought. Slowly, becoming aware that you went away for a while, your eyes come back into focus with the real world.

You start to wonder what your mind was searching for, was it found? You ask yourself to remember exactly how you felt. There was nothing, no tension, no discomforts. Numb and relaxed, your limbs were loose and your breathing calm. It’s almost like you prefer being in that state because you are so far away, things are no longer relevant. Contentment. You could stay that way forever.

Well that’s what happens to me when I think of you or see you, when I’m wrapped up in your arms. I could just melt into you like a second skin, and live inside of your delicate bones. 

Heartbreak?

It's a sad realization when your best friend (and I mean we were absolutely inseparably best friends) of eleven years is… no longer your best friend. I guess I don’t really understand why this is happening. I mean, yes, I can see how things are turning out this way.

I moved away half way through our senior year of high school, voluntarily. I graduated early and got out. I started my adventure early, on the other side of the country. We were definitely a team. I was the leader and she followed me. All of the friends that I made were her friends only through me. She traveled with me during the summer time, so many of her experiences were, again, through me. We called each other out on our shit and drew lines where necessary. I was the extrovert, she the introvert. Soul mates doesn’t even come close to the bond that we had built..or so I thought we had built. I noticed change in the both of us after moving away, but the change in me and the change in her were completely unrelated, though similar in many ways. We both had to learn to fend for ourselves, to make new friends, and roll with the punches as they came. I feel like I grew, expanded, while she downgraded. She became friends with kids far younger than she, and lost a lot of the maturity that I knew she used to have. She became a child again, but not in the greatest sense. 

I moved back to Nebraska and we re-bonded after knowingly growing apart and life was good. I suppose it’s true that all good things come to an end, because as summer time came to a close, my time in Nebraska did as well. College was beginning for the both of us (mine a little later), but I moved away again and she moved too. I found a family out here and she seemed to flounder, finding temporary niches, but never really being happy with where she was fitting in. We tried keeping in touch as best we could, and managed fairly well. Before we knew it, it was Christmas time and I was back in Nebraska once again. For a short visit only. She was leaving to California only days after I had returned, so it seemed fitting that I would spend most of my time with her. That’s really all I wanted to do, you know? Just laze around with my best friend and be happy. Go through the usual routines and feel as though nothing has changed.

Turns out that while you grow up, things like that don’t come as easily as they used to. She opted out of spending quite a bit of time with me to be with people that she could see at any other point in the year. People that live very close to her. Why??

I spent my time with my other very close friend and that’s when it hit us both. She’s changing…breaking herself apart from me and from us. Unsure of the influences causing her departure, we hypothesized but came to few reasonable conclusions. And now here I am, back in Washington having not spoken to her in almost three weeks.

I don’t know how to deal with this, exactly. Do I try and talk to her about the situation at hand? Do I try and talk to her like normal? Do I just not try because she’s made no effort to get in touch? Am I supposed to walk away from the person closest to my heart after 11 years of everything you could imagine two people going through together?

Real heartbreak happens like this. Tragedy at its finest.

Cheers!

It is officially a new year, and there are many things that I am hoping to have come out of it.


First, let's recap on 2010. It was a hard year for me, in general, I feel like. I brought in 2010 by myself in my brother's apartment in Portland because one person ruined plans that I had with all of our mutual friends. It turns out that now I'm good friends with that person. Ironic. Anyway, I had made a huge move from Nebraska to Washington state around Christmas and so didn't spend it with my family. I was only 17 and it was a big deal, a challenge. I graduated high school a semester early and left so many things behind. I didn't put myself into the best living situation, but it wasn't too bad. I was mistreated by one of the only friends I had in the area--who then apologized five or six months later. I didn't accomplish the only goal that I had for moving, which was to become a Washington resident. I moved back to Nebraska in April. I wasn't impressed with myself or any of the situations I put myself in. Once I was back home I turned things around a bit. I found a solid group of friends that I ended up spending every minute of my summer with. I experienced so much wonder and beauty over that time period, I just couldn't have been happier. I will forever look on that summer with the fondest of feelings. I worked hard over the summer to make money so that my second move to Washington would go more smoothly, and it did. I moved into a big house with great people, who are now my family. I love them so. I finished my first quarter of college and I absolutely enjoyed the hell out of it. I, again, didn't spend Christmas with my family. Second year in a row. Finally, I brought in the new year in Seattle with three of my roommates and some friends that I don't know very well. It was definitely an adult party. The kind that I didn't picture myself at until I'm at least twenty six. 2010 was a big learning year for me, I was challenged often and I am glad for it.




Right, so 2011!
I want to do so much this year. I heard this silly thing last night that I want to share, because even though it is very silly, it's also kind of motivating. "We have to do everything in 2011. The end may or may not be in 2012, so we shouldn't risk not living every day to the fullest." Now, I don't believe that the world is going to end within the next year or two, but the girl who said that definitely has a point. I don't want to miss out on any opportunities if I can help it. I feel as though, in my life, I have given up too many experiences to do something less fulfilling and I don't want to keep up with that. I don't have any new year resolutions, per se, but I do have some goals. I plan to write a list that I'll add to every time I knock one off.


I want to become a more wholesome, knowledgable person. I feel like right now I know a few tidbits about a bunch of random things, but I'd really like to READ and learn so much more. I want to be the best student that I can. I am going to put my best effort into the school work that I do, even when I would much rather sit back and relax. I want to get in shape. I'm not concerned with my weight or appearance really, as that's all good and fine, but I am concerned with my physical and mental health. Not because I feel something is wrong, but because I could be doing so much better for myself. My body is not in peak condition and I'd like it to be. I'm going to start running and working out at least every other day. I want to swim more. I need to start utilizing what my school offers as far as..well..everything now that I think of it. My flexibility needs work, as do my eating habits. I want to take EVERY opportunity to travel that arises. It is super important to me to see all that I can around the world and even just within the country that I live in. I want to stabilize my mind and not worry about things that are out of my hands. I want to put all my effort into things that I have a bit of control over. I want to create stronger bonds with people and mean something to someone. I plan to become more adamant about my art and photography work, as well. I've been slacking.


That is but the beginning of an endless list. I hope that everyone has had a lovely new year celebration and that 2011 is everything anyone could ever want it to be. It'll only be as good as you make it!


I am ready for change, for something new, for adventure. I refuse to let negativity hover over me and cast shadows in my life.


Cheers to 2011!






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