Updates

Hello!


I am ready to face the fact that I would never make it as a professional blogger. I am online so often you would think that I'd be able to make blog posts regularly, but alas, I cannot. Shame? I don't know. All I know is that I have things to share!


My birthday was on April 10th and I celebrated by going to see Radiohead live in Seattle on April 9th. It was a gift to myself and I am so glad I went! What an experience! I can't tell you how long I have waited to see Radiohead. I have been a fan for years and years. Their show didn't leave anything to be desired. It melted my face off with awesomeness, you guys. I don't even mind that I went to the concert alone. I think it made the entire experience something special. My actual birthday was full of homework, but I did splurge at Safeway and got myself a slice of Tirimasu cake. A quiet birthday is just fine, as I celebrate birthday month. Party on.


I've been working a lot this month on my photography. I have a show coming up in a Seattle coffee shop for the month of May. I knew I was doing it since February, but really let myself procrastinate too long. I'm happy with how things are turning out though. I'm exploring new ideas and I'm getting creative with my work. You can check it out here: www.theaane.wordpress.com Here's a preview! 

Blake has made an appearance in my dreams quite often the past couple of months. I'm not sure why, but maybe I need to reach out to her. I recognize changes that I've made in my life and they seem to be for the better. Perhaps I should try and rebuild some relationships that I've torn down. I just don't know if that's the right thing to do at this point or not. I might just be getting to a point where all of my pain is being released; I might finally be moving on, ready for the next step in my life!

I am confident that I will figure it out and act as needed. 

My last bit of news is that I'm getting back to myself. I used to be so far away, I lost touch with my creative and artistic side. I'm drawing more and looking at things in new ways. I can feel the way I'm getting back in touch with myself. It's warm and welcoming and I can't wait to share with others the happiness that I am reconnecting with.

End of an era

Hello my friends!

I am back (hopefully more regularly than not) and have so much to share. 2011 has definitely not been my year. It's been full of false friends, pointless sexual encounters, hospital runs, and a serious loss of imagination and creativity along with losing my sense of self.

Without going into a long-winded, very detailed version of everything that has happened, I'll just give you a brief rundown.

I lived with a girl named Nicole. She and I became best friends within a month of knowing each other. We didn't know it at the time, but we were only friends because we hadn't found anyone else who had the same bad qualities that we each had. That was pretty much all--we just had our worst qualities in common and that was seductive enough for us to ignore all warning signs. We both gravitate more toward the idea that the universe dictates what happens in our lives, or at least that it'll kick our asses when we need to fix something up or turn something around; change. We both stole often, it was one of our nasty habits. We became lazy together. I lost my creativity and spunk. I'm not sure what she lost, but I know she suffered losses in personality traits just the same. The universe was trying to tell us something, but it told us in entirely different ways because we each needed to change differently. From what I learned, I needed to open up more. I needed to stop pretending that I was the person that I seemed to be around Nicole. I needed to get my creative juices going and I needed to get rid of Nicole. Random surges of anger surfaced as my first big sign after continual annoyances. The second was that she slept with someone I was "seeing," for lack of a better term. Her change was different. She needed to change who she was as an entire person from what I could tell. She got caught stealing and was fined money. I walked away. She broke her wrist in one of the worst ways possible and will suffer from arthritis by the time she is 30, if not sooner. I took her to the E.R. She got hit by a car that I could have just as easily gotten hit by. I made the 911 call. I think the universe was trying to tell her she needed to be a better person. She thinks the universe was telling her not to be my friend. I don't see the connection.

After a misconstrued argument, I made the decision to move out. Not without difficulty, of course because Nicole and our other roommate were spiteful for who knows what reasons. (Maybe because I took the only sofa from the apartment while they were at school.) But I'm in a new and very comfortable home now and couldn't be happier with my change.

I'm making new and better friends. I'd like to make a note of one in particular. Her name is Sierra and we take French class together. I think she's just brilliant and so fun. I'm strengthening bonds with people I already care deeply for. I'm not sleeping with people who are just blatantly using me anymore. I'm trying to be healthier, as in I don't get mega drunk as often as I did last year (thanks Nicole.) I'm figuring out what works best for me and I'm working it into my life as best I can. I'm doing more art all of the time. I successfully signed up for a new art program for Winter quarter because my last program was sucking the life out of me, it was so chaotic and lame.

I could go on and on, but the point is that I'm doing well and I hope to continue on this path, or take turns accordingly! I'm back in Nebraska for the holiday. I'll have been here for two weeks by the time I leave. I can't express how nice it is being home with people that I just love so much. I don't have to worry about a thing here.

I'm counting down the days until 2012 rolls in. It's the end of a weird era in my life, and I am so anxious to move on properly and what better way than with a brand new year?! 

Cheers,

A

Recently I did a very small photo project on the idea of being haunted. My friend Hanna helped pose in some of the photos and I posed for some as well. I haven't been the best about updating this blog with photos, or text for that matter, but I hope to be better at updating in 2012! So much as happened during this latter half of 2011. I'll have to post specifically regarding updates. Hope everyone has had a happy Christmas holiday!

This adds to the post directly below.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life…"

—	Elizabeth Gilbert This is exactly it. The words with which I never would have been able to describe better,  the past year of my life with someone whom I used to call my best friend. We were soul mates. We did this for each other. Life presses on.

"You" is me . . . this just in.

I just had an experience similar to the effect of some sort of civil break-up.

There’s this saying that everything in life happens for a reason. The universe acts in weird ways to show/tell us something we need to know. I believe that. I feel like I live it more obviously every time I learn something new.

It’s a curious thing when you connect so instantly with someone so strange to you. Even weirder when you find things out about them that you never thought you’d hear from another human being; your most secret qualities. The only thing that seemed right in those moments was to connect to and with them. You had to be friends and it was a mutual feeling on both your parts. You had a tremendous year with this person. There was a huge commitment to spending nearly every hour with each other, aside sleep and school time. Many, many laughs and good times. However, despite those good times the past year had been full of oddly awful events, surprising actions that led to unexpected falling outs, personality changes, bad habits forming, etc. It wasn’t until just recently that the possibility of a connection between those events and your friendship surfaced.

Prior to meeting this person your life had been in an incredibly good place. You just had the most amazing summer of your life with some of the best people you’ve ever met, your family was fully supportive and loving, and life was just good. Simple as that. Nearly immediately after bonding things started to change. The atmosphere in the home you shared changed (I forgot to mention you were roommates too.) You came in between her and her best friend of the time, subtly but you did. Explosion there. You came in between her and her boy-toy of the time, only that was for her own benefit. Both of you became exclusive to each other. You had a small circle of friends, and they all happened to be your roommates. 

It all seemed like it was okay though, you just bit your tongues when you were bothered. You bit your tongue for a year. But the bad events kept happening. You both had developed a stupid stealing habit over the course of the year. She got caught. She moved back home with you for the summer. She got hit by a car. You had the most ridiculous mood curves, like something you’ve never experienced before. Everyone was a little shocked, yourself included. You saw each other differently, but put on a front and acted the same.

Your potential roommate dips out on you temporarily. That was the universe giving you the golden opportunity to split up before things got to a breaking point. Of course, you didn’t take it.

All three of you ended up moving in together when it was all said and done. It was totally cool. Things were good. Kind of. And then she slept with someone you were … seeing, for lack of a better term. That was a turning point for you. You knew from that point on that there wasn’t a friendship present anymore. But both of you tried to make it work.

It’s unfortunate that you’re always so quick to anger, but in a way it’s good because you usually get out of the situations that make you angry and it’s healthy.

A rent issue came up and turned into a segue for all of your unspoken issues to surface. A negative catharsis with hopes of a positive outcome. It was not about the rent. You all acted stupid. And now you’ve broken up. You can’t live together, nor can you be friends. Not right now and not for a while, at least. 

It’s a curious thing when you and someone else share common ground with your worst qualities. When those in each of you, separate from each other, are only shadows…but together create something very dark. When that collective dark quality is so seductive that you ignore very blatant signals from the universe and then you get hit hard, you get forced out of it. 

You were very different, but too similar in the worst ways. Friendships like that cannot last. They only serve one purpose and that is to show us something we’ve not noticed or known and then leave. We learn a lesson and then we live better.

It’s been talked about now, all is out on the table. You are free. You can breathe. Parts of your personality that have been suppressed over the last year are coming back to life. You are becoming whole again, and though finishing out this process will be a hassle, and it’ll be inconvenient, and maybe hard, it’s supposed to happen. You’re going to be better off. Life will again be good.

And to add to that positive turn, you did manage to make really wonderful friends that you are going to keep. You have found another path that isn’t the one for you and have a more clear idea about which ones are for you. You’ve learned powerful lessons and you’re now growing as a person.

Isn’t life sweet?

I want to fall in love with you in the country.
Car rides with the windows down, barefooted in the grass during a rainstorm.
I want to pick my fruit from local orchards knowing we will feed each other unselfishly.
I want to hike with you like I haven’t with anyone else.
Big kitchens with space for us to dance while cooking dinner. Hearty meals of pasta, or chili. Fresh veggies from our raised beds.
Holding your hand as we stroll through barns filled with antiques.
Our stories wouldn’t be written in concrete but in moments spent in nature.
Bonfire nights when I would snuggle against you telling you secrets. Not caring about open curtains, waking up to slide into your shirt. Pulling on boots and walking to let the dogs out. Finding you meddling or working or creating.
Nights inviting our city friends to camp in our back yard. Traded stories about love, our love. I want to fall in love with you anywhere, but I can feel the love we would have in the country.  

Unexpected and certainly unwonted.

There are only a few things in the world that I am completely unwilling to share with the people closest to me in my life, so you can only imagine how I would feel when I am forced to share without any say on the matter. And let me add that these few things are things that one cannot undo once done. There are no words to make the situation sting less. There are no actions or acts of kindness that will make up for what was done. Excuses are nothing but excuses and they don't justify anything. The only thing there is is the fact that whatever the deed, it was done and it hurt me.


For lack of a better way to phrase this, the people that I have had or am still having sex with are my territory. There is, for every girl at least, the underlying code that close friends just do not sleep with the same people that you have. That's just not something that needs to be shared amongst two close friends. In my mind, it's easily compared to using a tampon and then giving that same one to a friend for their own personal use. It is absolutely disgusting. Makes me sick to my stomach to think about.


I don't care how intoxicated you are (on anything) because there is no excuse for sleeping with someone that I sleep with. Especially not on a night that I was planning on spending with said member of the opposite sex. What's worse is that there was apprehension on her part. She knew that I wouldn't like what was going on, but went ahead and did it anyway. Sure, it's "just sex" but it's "just sex" with someone I was going to have sex with that night, it was "just sex" with someone that I've slept with multiple times before. You just had sex in my territory and with that, you've basically just had sex with me. 


Let me backtrack a bit. All three of us were laying together. He was kissing me first and then went to her, which was the point at which I started to get uncomfortable. Keep in mind I didn't even like kissing him with her in the room. I turned away and gave no sign of interest when he started trying to give me attention again, so of course he turned back to her. Listening to them drunkenly swap spit made me extremely sick to my stomach. I had to leave, so I did. I left the house. I went to my car. I didn't know what to do, but I figured because we were such good friends that she, if not he, would come looking for me, that they'd stop what they were doing for two seconds to consider me. They didn't. How silly I was to expect that sort of decency. I ended up being locked out of the house for the night, so my tentative plan to sleep in my car turned out to be my only option. And then of course, they had sex. 


At first it was just an assumption that they would, but details after the fact make it all worse. For instance, I didn't think they looked for me and it turns out they actually didn't. She was apprehensive to commit the act, even stood up to leave, but allowed him to talk her into it (i.e., "it's just sex")so somehow that argument made some sort of sense to her, made it O.K. to betray me in that way. Blow. When we chose to talk about the situation, she took the opportunity to only discuss how she wouldn't have had a threesome, but I had to blatantly ask if they had sex. Strike. She hesitated with her answer which is how I knew that they did. She also considered lying to me about it. Another blow.


To top it off, not only is she a close friend of mine, but we are roommates. We have to see each other every day. We were far from home. The car ride made me ill because I kept replaying the night and the next morning in my head. I can barely speak to her, let alone consider forgiving her at this point. I wanted to stop drinking alcohol (not that I drank often in the first place) and this event only solidifies my reasoning for disliking it so much. It will be monumental, the day that I decide to have a drink for fun again. It is unfortunate the little amount that it takes to lose my trust, but she managed. Even after the apology and the spiel about how she'd never purposely do something that would hurt me or that has potential to create a riff in our friendship, I can't trust her any longer. Nothing she can say will make a difference. There are no actions that are wonderful enough to counteract what's been done. I am just thoroughly disgusted and am at a loss with regard to how I want to or should proceed.


I understand that holding anger is never worth the detriments it causes to the body, and so I am slowly releasing my anger. That does not, however, mean that I will be okay with the situation any more next month than I am right at this current moment. I also realize that forgiveness should happen if for no other reason than for yourself. That doesn't convince me. That doesn't make me want to forgive her, so I probably won't. At least not any time soon at all. A line was crossed. I never would have expected HER to cross it. I didn't see it coming at all. That was probably my bad. I've known for a long time that once you get too comfortable you are more likely to take a hard hit.




If it were anyone else, a stranger, even someone I knew but wasn't really friends with or something of the like, I would not have been hurt. I would not have cared. Unfortunately that wasn't the case.




Life is wonderful, and then sometimes not.